10 things I’ve learned from therapy
photo by Shandy Mikkelsen
Last year Eric and I started therapy together, and it has been a game changer. Each session is up to us on what we feel like we need to talk about. We have discussed marriage and personal stuff, but we mostly go for parenting enrichment. It feels like a parenting class tailored specifically to us and the exact ages of our kids. We used to go every 2 weeks and now we go every 3-4 weeks. Our therapist helps us make sense of things we are experiencing and guides us through the unknowns that come with parenting. He stays up to date on all the latest parenting research so we don’t have to. Sometimes I feel anxious about going, but afterward I am always in a better headspace and mindset. Now therapy days are my favorite days!
10 THINGS I’VE LEARNED from THERAPY
Motherhood doesn’t have to be martyrdom. One of my biggest challenges since my kids were born has been my sense of identity. When I became a mom, I “surrendered” many things that made me “me.” As a result, I definitely felt a little lost. Becoming a mother does not have to mean you stop being a woman. Our therapist encouraged me to make a list of things that fill me up and make a plan each week or even each day on how to incorporate these back into my life. For me this looks like blogging, creating outfits, reading a book, going for a walk, being in nature, sitting outside, listening to podcasts, having lunch or dinner with a friend, getting my nails done, Crumbl cookies, planning a trip or editing photos. Make a list of things you are passionate about or want to learn. Refer to it when you have free time. And then, actually set aside time in your busy schedule for self-care. Put it on your calendar. I have learned that I am at my healthiest when I get one night per week to pour into myself. Just one night when I don’t have to worry about kids activities, feeding the kids dinner or putting anyone else to bed. Eric knows how important it is and is more than happy to give me that time. And I give it to him, too.
Extracurricular activities are very important for kids, but it’s OK to let your kids quit something or give them a break. Our therapist is very big on kids being involved in at least one extracurricular activity. We didn’t do this when our kids were younger, but we have for a while now and I can definitely see the benefits: fun, confidence, friendships, teamwork. But somehow I feel it’s been engrained in me that you shouldn’t let your kids quit something they committed to. Last year we ran into a situation where Rooney signed up for a new extracurricular activity and then quickly realized she did not want to do it. After much discussion, we decided it was not worth it to fight her every week to go to practice. She is involved in multiple other activities that she enjoys, and when those things get tough she will likely be motivated to stick it out because she is passionate about them. Our therapist has also mentioned more than once that he is all for pulling kids out of school for a day if they seem really run down or tired. Often one day is enough to give them a reset.
Kids can handle more responsibility and structure than you might think. Our therapist helped us create a system of family rules, daily chores, consequences and rewards. Our kids are expected to be ready for school at 8:15 am without any reminders, and be ready for bed at 7:50 pm without any reminders. Our kids also each have a daily chore to help out the family. If they do not meet these expectations, they receive a consequence, which is an extra family chore drawn out of a hat. I was shocked that Finch, especially at age 6, could handle such responsibility, but it has drastically changed our family life and rhythms. Bedtime is a lot less awful now!
There are no one-size-fits-all answers. I really wanted our therapist to tell us exactly how much screen time our kids should get each day, how old they should be when we give them a phone, etc. I like rules. But he didn’t give us rules. This frustrated me at first, but I now understand that there simply is not one easy answer. Every kid and every family is different. Our therapist instead helps Eric and I work together to find a solution that makes sense for our family.
It’s important to distinguish whether your child’s behavior is inappropriate or just annoying. It can be hard to not be nit-picky when you see your child displaying less than desirable behavior. Kids can be annoying, but that is nothing to punish them for. Learn to ignore it (harder than it sounds) or leave the room. Inappropriate behavior, on the other hand, is calmly met with family rules and consequences.
Good parents can have challenging kids. That’s it. That’s the takeaway.
Family trips are a huge catalyst for family bonding. Our therapist encouraged us, if possible, to take a trip each year just the four of us. We’ve really only done this once when we took a road trip to South Dakota, and I can confirm it was a huge bonding experience. We came home so much closer than when we started. We are going to make this more of a priority in the coming years. I also read a fun idea recently where a family dropped off their teenage kids at a restaurant together periodically and noticed that it always seemed to bring them closer together. I’d love to do this when our kids are a little older!
Instead of protecting kids from the world, it is much more wise to prepare them for it. It is definitely my instinct to shield my kids from painful things. I remember specifically not wanting our kids to go to a family funeral when they were younger because I didn’t want them to see people crying or feeling sad. After talking it through with Eric and a trusted mentor at our church, I realized I can’t protect them from funerals forever and it would allow them a healthy chance to grieve and begin to face the fact that funerals are a part of life. That’s just one example. There are certainly age-appropriate ways to do this, but the key takeaway is that I can’t protect them forever.
It’s important for kids to stay relevant to their friends, and it’s important for parents to stay relevant to their kids. When girls get to ages 10-11 and 17-18, and when boys are age 14-15, they desire more independence. In our experience this plays itself out a lot in the area of screen time, phones and social media. No parent really knows what they’re doing in the area of technology, but our therapist suggested we give our kids access while we are able to monitor their activity and help teach them appropriate behavior. It would be a lot easier for us as parents to have more limits and control over our kids, but it’s not realistic or even healthy for our relationship with them. Case in point: Rooney wanted a social media app. Does it make me a little nervous? Sure. I could fight her on it until she resented me and eventually figured out a way to go behind my back to get it, or I can get interested in what she’s interested in. I got the app, too. We’ve have many, many conversations about online safety and only friending people she knows, and I often check in with her on how it’s going.
It’s good to tell kids “no” or let them sit in discomfort. We don’t need to fix all our kids’ problems immediately—and, actually, we shouldn’t. We could spend our lives bending over backward for our kids or constantly trying to make them happy. In the long run, this doesn’t help them, it hurts them. I remind myself of this every time I need to tell my child no. Discomfort is a good thing for them to learn to feel and be OK with!
Since starting therapy I have been able to parent from a more calm, patient, understanding and confident place. Parenting is hard … therapy helps.
What is the best parenting advice you’ve ever received?